Skinny Steve

Disclaimer: this pasta is fake…ok let’s get on with the story now!

So, there was this odd experience I had in Minecraft back when the 1.11 update first came out. I’ve kept it secret ever since…up until now. There was this single player world I had for a long while. It wasn’t too interesting, besides the basic farm and my shelter which was basically just a 4x4 tunnel dug into the side of a hill. So yeah, that was pretty much it so far. Of course, I got tired of the shelter, so I decided to get some wood to build a proper house. I grabbed my super-convenient diamond axe and set off on my journey to collect some oak logs. I made my out of my shelter and headed toward some nearby tree’s. That’s when something strange happened. As I was about to strike a tree. Something dropped from another tree in the distance. From what I could make out of it, it looked like Steve, except its arms and legs were very skinny. VERY skinny. You almost couldn’t see them. I was awfully surprised to see such a strange entity, but I laughed because it looked funny. “Owww.” It said as it hit the ground, taking some damage, “I should really try to be stealthier!”

“Um, hello?” I said to the skinny man.

“Oh, hello player! I haven’t seen one of you in a long, long, long, long, long time.”

“Ok…” I responded.

“Mmm. You look…tasty. Mind if I take a bite out of your face?” the skinny man asked.

“What? No!”

“Aw, come on!” he yelled, “I haven’t eaten anything in a long time! A long, long, long, long-”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“Fine! I guess I’ll have to cook you up myself.” he said as he slowly pulled out a large enchanted iron axe, and when I say large, I mean VERY large. Bigger than a normal axe.

“Stay away from me!” I shouted, backing away with my diamond pickaxe secured firmly in the grip of my right hand. I was ready to strike at any moment. He began walking toward me, I was too afraid, I ran in the opposite direction passed my small shelter.

A few seconds later I turned around to see where he was at. I was awfully far away from him, he was still walking passed my shelter.

“Why are you so slow?” I shouted to him.

“Because this axe is so damn heavy!” he shouted back.

“Sucks for you!” I said as I started running again.

I ran deeper into the forest until I was lost. I didn’t mind though, if I was away from that creep. It was now nighttime, and I dug a 4x4 tunnel in another small hill I discovered, and I blocked it off completely. I put a few torches down and set up a crafting table and a spare bed. Then, I went to sleep. As the screen faded to black, something plopped down in front of me and began hitting me rapidly with his fist.

“Haha! I found you!” It was the skinny man! He must of broke blocks above me and fell straight into my hidden shelter. I got up from my bed and tried to hit him back, but he was too fast.

“How the hell did you find me!?”

“I just came across your gamer tag peeking out of this hill.” he said.

“How come you don’t have a gamer tag?”

“Because I’m not a player, duh.”

“I’m sooo confused.”

“Let me explain.” he stopped hitting me. “I WAS an average player like you. I loved Minecraft, I played it all the time with my friends. Of course, they later found out I was a cannibal, and they left me. I felt bad. So, I uploaded my soul to a computer, so I could eat people without killing them in real life.”

“Wow, you must be really messed up, doing that just so you could eat people in a video game.” I said, surprised.

“Yes, I regret doing that now, I must have been psycho. Nobody would invite me too their online servers, so I got hungry, I haven’t eaten anybody for 3 months now.”

“Why can’t you just eat other things in Minecraft?” I suggested.

“I’m a cannibal! I live that way!”

“Ok, then. Why can’t you eat villagers?”

“They’re not alive like players!”

“Well, sorry. I can’t help you.” I said, I wasn’t really feeling sorry for him though.

“Oh, I’m sure you can.” He said smiling.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

That’s when he waked me with his boney hands hard and everything went black. Well, not in real life, just in the game. My character woke up. I found myself in an iron bar cage with an obsidian floor hanging above a large pool of lava. I also had nothing in my hotbar or inventory.

“Where the hell am I?”

“Oh, you’re at my place.” I saw the skinny man. “Underground.” I looked around. We where almost down to bedrock I think.

“Let me go!” I yelled.

“Ha! Like I’m going to do that! Your going to be my first meal in a long while. I can’t wait!”

“Please man. Just for once, consider being a vegetarian.” I begged.

“I already did that idiot! And I don’t want to be one!”

I gulped.

“Now, before I boil you alive, I’m going to say a quick prayer: dear Notch, I just wanted to let you know how pissed I am because you didn’t take car of me. I was SUPER hungry. I know you might think I’m stubborn because I didn’t want to eat anything else besides human flesh. But hey, I don’t care anymore. I don’t need you. You wanna know why? That’s because I caught a freaking player! And I’m gonna eat him! I’m gonna tear out all his organs one by one! Starting with his beating heart! And then his rotten lungs! I’ll suck his intestines out like noodles! And I’ll put his eyes on a stick and pick them off with my sharp teeth! And I’ll were his skin because I’m cold! I’ll do it all! Well, right after I cook him of course.”

I cringed at what he called a “prayer.” Then he took a deep breath after saying all that disturbing crap. Then he walked over to a lever.

“You see this lever Notch! Yeah, I learned Redstone all by myself, I’m self-taught!”

“Uh, what are you going to do with that thing?” I asked nervously.

“I’m going to pull this lever, and it will open up the obsidian floor, then you’ll be cooked in that lava, duh!”

“No! Please! I want to live!”

“Oh, you’ll live. But your character wont. And then your account will automatically be deleted.”

“But I don’t want to lose my account!” I said.

“You don’t need your account, you just play Minecraft for fun anyway.” He said as he put his boney hands on the lever. “You know, you are the best person I ever met.”

“Why is that?” I asked curiously.

“Well, you’re the only one who understands me, you tried to give me good suggestions on what to eat despite the fact they didn’t work, and you let me catch you.”

“Aw, crap! I’m so stupid!” I said.

“Yes, you are.” he agreed, “Wow, I almost don’t even want to eat you anymore. But anyways, goodbye friend.”

I closed my eyes. I was about to be boiled alive, well, my character was. I was upset that my account was about to be deleted, I had so many cool worlds I was about to lose. “Prepare to be-!” he said but he was interrupted by a familiar hissing sound. I looked toward the cannibal, a creeper was heading straight for him. I guess he forgot to block off a cave full of mobs or something.

“Ah, no, no, no! Get away from me, you green booger!” He hit the creeper which triggered it and caused it to explode.

“Nooo! Dammit! Curse you creeper! It’s going take me forever to clean this mess up!” This was my chance, he was stalled.

As he was collecting the blocks from the explosion, I broke one of iron caged bars with my fist and placed it on the obsidian floor, I hoped on.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?” he screamed.

He pulled the leaver without thinking and the obsidian floor of the cage opened to reveal boiling hot lava, I was safe standing on the iron bar though. “Gosh-dammit!” the skinny man shouted. “It took me a long, long, long, long, long time to make that contraption!

I got another iron bar and hopped down, placing it down into the lava to keep me from falling straight in. I landed on the iron bar, then I jumped over the rest of the lava pool and hit the stone floor. I turned around to see the skinny man raising his large enchanted diamond axe. I dodged it and ran toward a chest nearby. I rummaged through the chest in a panic as the skinny man walked slowly toward me. I found a stone sword and pulled it out like Link would do in The Legend of Zelda.

The man tried to swing his axe, but it was to heavy, I struck at him with my stone sword, but he dodged it. Then he took another faithful swing which knocked the stone sword out of my hand.

“Hmm.” the skinny man thought, “I guess I’ll have to eat you raw.” He suddenly got a crazed unnatural smile on his face and began laughing. The laughing was getting louder and louder, I was about ready to tear my headphones off!

Suddenly, he fell face flat on to the ground and everything went quiet. “Uh, hello?” I said, kicking him lightly with my feat. He suddenly disappeared, and his items scattered across the ground. Words appeared at the side of the screen: Skinny Steve died from hunger. He probably waited a little too long to eat me.

“Oh, I guess I just got lucky there.” I said.

I walked out of the deep, dark cave and into the beaming light of the sun shining upon the overworld.

The end, I guess.