Talk:Desperate Ritual/@comment-34601114-20181115011428

I'm gonna split my review into two parts - the general feedback and the really nitty gritty parts that might just me me nitpicking over all the little details of the story because I'm like that. Nitpicking first.


 * 1) I mentioned Numbers before on Eye so there's no point in bringing it up again.
 * 2) Your descriptions of the monsters are great. Try and keep that up for other parts of the story as well(new locations or the Priest for example). Also try and incorporate all the senses apart from just sight and sound(you could say a sharp blast of wind rushed over everyone, the metallic smell of blood or something).
 * 3) Some words are repeated a fair bit(looks, apparently, says). Try and vary them(glances, somehow, hissed), and never repeat the same word within four lines of its being written.
 * 4) *On that note, you don't always have to write 'says', 'demands', 'replies' or words to similar effect every single time.
 * 5) **She rolled her eyes at him, turning away. "Please, grow some sense." She glanced back over her shoulder with a strangely worried expression. "I know I'm being a bit harsh, but if you're too afraid of stepping boundaries, you'll never learn."
 * 6) **“No, she’s here.” Talus whistled, a long, loud blast which reverberated through the valleys.
 * 7) ***(Basically just bits of my own writing where there was no indication of speech)
 * 8) Grammar mistakes, there's a few but they're pretty minor.

General stuff:
 * 1) The start of the plot is inconsistent. If they've really been there for basically 10 years, how did no one notice before then? How has the MC not been attacked prior to this story? Also, how didn't he notice the bodies before entering the lift? There's some things that don't really make sense. You can resolve the apartment one by saying he just moved in, or stumbled in it to avoid a brewing storm.
 * 2) Again, lack of character. Already mentioned this in Eye.
 * 3) Emails remain unexplained, although I guess you might have something planned for when the story continues.

Wew. I still like this story, I just tend to hone in on details when asked to review. Still worthy of a 9/10.