Thread:Eternulli/@comment-37030351-20181115121122/@comment-34601114-20181115234124

Yee, okay. Round two.

Eye:


 * 1) Motive is a lot better, although the character could still use a little more dynamic.
 * 2) There seems to be a few grammar errors, but I'll probably fix those for you.
 * 3) It's a bit colloquial(informal) at times. Instead of writing 'The Eye showed up', you can write something like:
 * 4) *Particles drifted as I saw the lone figure teleport into my view, staring me down with contempt.
 * 5) *This is a slightly unnecessarily long version, but you get the idea. It helps to make it more dramatic.
 * 6) *Some stories are deliberately colloquial to match the MC's personality, but here it just looks kind of out of place.
 * 7) *Dialogue being colloquial is fine. It's just the narrative that's out of place.

apart from that we gucci

Desperate Ritual:
 * 1) Small grammar errors, I'll probably go through them again.
 * 2) Colloquial(Instead of 'got his head impaled from it', you can do 'was swiftly impaled through his head' for instance)
 * 3) A thing to note with dialogue is it's usually good to start them on new lines. There's one part where the narrator thinks "Whew. At least I can know the truth." inbetween two lines of dialogue. You should split it:

"Ok. Lemme tell you everything."

''Whew. At least I can know the truth.''

"On 17th of May, 2009, we are all in the building..."

Apart from that your edits are good for this story.